Feed me

[jordancaliban]

Took a week off from working on all my boards and really got to mould this one, I tried to use different sources to amp it up but keep it all match relevant. The excerpt below is Caliban explaining the Rioting in Caracas Venezuela right now that has been going on since before xmas to his travel partner hutch. Its a little self indulgent to compare myself to what is happening but I wanted to write about it because nobody has really heard much about it due to the Ukraine crisis

The situation there is actually closer to my predicament that you might think, you see what is happening to start from the beginning, in 2013 a whole hell of a lot of students decided to protest the Mafia based government and the 20,000 deaths recorded in the capital Caracas last year, since then the whole place has basically become a less snowy Ukraine, its still happening, the police have been using live ammo since the get go and 13 people died in the first month but this is beyond my point. In 2002 a right wing opposition to Hugo Chavez the leader who just died and caused the cluster fuck in the first place, attempted a coup and were put down. Those people have now become involved in those protests. So you have the students protesting for safe living and toilet paper and you have the right wing guys trying to forcibly remove the men in power, unfortunately those right wing leaders have coerced the students into the fighting and now nobody is safe. The point I am making is about manipulation

[Joey Harris]

Okay, on a side note I want to mention... It bothers me when feedback threads go completely unnoticed or otherwise ignored. Let's work together and feed each other so we all improve! That being said...

I love the emotion you displayed in your promo this past week. It's very easy to understand and relate to Caliban's feelings, as most of us have been in position where we felt something we worked for was given to somebody else. It is frustrating, and in reading your RP I felt that for your character. It translates very well.

There are a couple things that didn't quite jive with me:
- Spelling/ punctuation/ grammar: This is just me being a grammar nazi, as this particular subject has always been a strong suit of mine, dating back as far as my high school days. Typing on an OOC board is one thing, but I believe a conscious effort should be put into correct grammar and punctuation, when writing anything that is meant to be read and enjoyed by others.
- Adeus: I hope I got that right, as I am typing this out on my phone and I can't switch back and forth between tabs so easily. Anyway, I felt it was very confusing at first to understand what exactly this is. Does it symbolize your conscience, a voice in your head maybe? Even if you've explained it before, a little recapping always goes a long way!

Overall, I enjoyed your RP very much. You have a character who is easy to relate with, yet also not entirely likeable based on his recent actions. I'm digging this darker incarnation of Jordan Caliban, and I'm excited to watch the character evolve!

[jordancaliban]

I do put an effort in with my punctuation but due to some things it will be a problem that will probably never go away and frankly I don't wanna ask another human being to proof this stuff for me lol, it tends to be something I address when I first join a place so people don't tend to hold it against me, just remember I am trying it just isnt easy for me

You need to read my other RP's to understand the story stuff dude Adeus and Punkin are 2 separate entities that now exist inside Caliban as a kind of chikara inspired faces of Foley, the character development stuff I do every week if the origin of that arrangement. Punkin is the Violent side, Adeus is the thinker and Caliban is just a very talented vessel, all 3 are out spoken in different ways making them as cohesive as I could, I dunno Hollywood likes the story so I keep writing it. When Adeus comes up in real time story he acts as more of a voice of reason and experience as his backstory is the most messed up of the lot lol Caliban is his own conscience and Punkin is the side you see when he is angry or goes off in a rant

I hope this makes next weeks offering easier to approach, I appreciate the feedback and the kind words

[Joey Harris]

I dig that, it is definitely intriguing to read and likely just as fun to write! However, it's not very likely that many people would go back and read through old promos that have been archived over the months/ years. I'm not saying it's you must describe this every time you write, but even a little description or recapping would cover a lot of ground.

For example, I used to roleplay a character who had his own dark/ violent side, and in my promos this character would frequently come into direct conflict with this inner dialogue, which was displayed as an interpersonal conversation between my character and the voice inside of him. However, instead of referring to this voice simply by a name, I would often add something very simple to describe it. Here is an original example, from the top of my head.:

"Come on, Rhonin! I'm not such a bad guy," Tumult insisted to me, as persistent as ever. Although a subconscious extension of my aggressive tendencies, Tumult was all but a mere voice in my head, more than just a part of me; it was alive. Living, breathing- Tumult was an entity, all to itself.

Including something similar to this would make understanding this inner dialogue so much easier. Maybe even after so much time, Caliban is still conflicted by these two unique extensions of his own personality. Maybe he has grown fond of them, respecting each entity in a different way. Think of it as a relationship! How does Caliban feel about Punkin and Adeus, and their contradictory natures? How would it affect him if they went silent? Would he cease to exist, as he does?

Please don't think I'm being overly critical- Your promo was great, and you have an exciting character who is fighting against a lot of enemies, including himself. Just be aware that not everybody is up to speed on your character, and likely would not be willing into backpeddling so far to understand something in your promo. In fact, most would rather assume you are leaving out details, which could hurt you and your story in the end.

Bottom line- Keep up the good work, but be aware of the deeper pieces to your story that most might be missing out on!

[jordancaliban]

Im not I just like discussing these things, it helps me and helps people understand my character as he is a bit all over the show with his content