[We’re on Bourbon Street, the camera passing down the middle of the colonial-style buildings that are pretty much deserted on a Tuesday afternoon, when suddenly a whistle is heard from above, and the camera whips around to reveal Elijah Black and Daniel Everett stood on a balcony looking down on the street, Black in a Millions of Dead Cops t-shirt]
Everett: Looking for us?
Black: Or were you looking for a voodoo practitioner in the hope that they could help you win the lottery?
[Black and Everett share a joke at the cameraman’s expense, although it’s inaudible to the audience]
Black: As you can see, we’re in New Orleans, right in the middle of the French Quarter – the exact place where, if you say “New Orleans” to somebody, this is what they think of. And it’s no surprise, because you’re pretty much
told to come here in all the tourist brochures, even though for the past couple of decades this place has become as genuine as anything at the EPCOT Center and has become a tourist trap filled with stores designed the chip away at the wallets of the tourists. There’s also the goldmine that is Mardi Gras, where people exchange cheap plastic beads and drink far too much overpriced beer so they get obnoxiously drunk because they’re expected to – because they’ve been told to.
So, as I said, this is what people think of when somebody says “New Orleans” – although let’s be honest, it’s because they’ve been conditioned to, because a few years ago this wasn;t the case. And with the magic of video editing, I’ll remind you what people thought when somebody said “New Orleans”…
[Black snaps his fingers, and we cut away to…]
[When we cut back, Black and Everett are stood on the street]
Black: …they remember how the people of New Orleans’
lives were considered secondary to saving a few bucks, as the levees that were supposed to protect them were poorly designed, built cheaply, and improperly maintained for many years until finally they broke, plunging the city into chaos. And at that moment, when the people of New Orleans needed help the most, the government spent several days sitting on their hands for several days before deciding to do something. It’s hoped that you might have forgotten, but I sure as hell haven’t.
But that’s enough of me hogging the spotlight, because this week the focus isn’t on me, but it’s on my more than capable compatriot in the Vox, Daniel Everett, as he faces Jessica Harmony.
[Black steps aside, allowing Everett to step forward]
Everett: First of all, I guess I’m supposed to be thankful for the week off, so the pair of us could sit on the sidelines and think about Mascara Muerto fluking their way to victory for another week without an inconvenient distraction, whilst Bad Company were allowed to forget about it by being rewarded for winning nothing that night. Yeah, the
physical pain may have passed, the bumps and the bruises got time to heal, but when you see some masked freaks win a match they had no right to win and they do it at your expense that’s a whole different kind of hurt.
We got a few days’ paid vacation in New Orleans off the back of it, and with a few days to rest up that meant a quick tour of the French Quarter to find if anywhere was selling beer for under five bucks, and you can pretty much guess how that went. This place may look pretty, but goddamn it’s a cast iron rip-off the second you leave the street for any of the tourist traps.
So after a week stewing in my own juices, and a weekend getting gouged if I so much wanted to eat or drink, my mood’s not particularly bright and sunny. It should be, but it ain’t. That means that not only do I have frustration and embarrassment in my locker thanks to Mascara Muerto, but now I’m plain old fashioned pissed off, and that pretty much tells me that Jessica Harmony’s night is going to be anything but harmonious as I look to improve my mood at her expense.
[Everett chuckles to himself]
Everett: You see,
I get it, and every time I set foot in the ring there’s going to be people in the office scrutinising my every move to see if they can find an excuse to pass on me and bring in some other hunk of meat to bounce around the ring for the fans’ amusement – it’s exactly what Elijah went through a couple of years ago when he was the guy needing to get his foot in the door, and now it’s my turn. The difference is that he was on his own, but now he has my back to make sure that nobody tries to screw me out of a career, so I’m still here and picking up that little bit more each and every time. It’s amazing what you can learn when you’re going against people who think of things other than wailing on each other with whatever isn’t nailed down, so I can actually
wrestle and show that I’m pretty goddamn good at it.
This does leave one obvious question, though: just what the hell are you good at, Harmony?
Yeah, I get that you were in the Tag Team Grand Prix and made it out of the first round, but given some of the crappy competitors they had filling out the field for that tournament it’s not too much to brag about, and you came up short in the semis. And from what I’ve been told, you haven’t lit PWX on fire, apart from that time you left your curling tongs plugged in and they had to evacuate the arena.
See, as I already said, I’m at that stage where I have to prove I belong, and it’ll be sometime yet before I can just phone it in every week wrestling matches at half speed and cutting lazy promos where I’m padding out what I’m saying in the hope nobody notices, so I have to be
full on when I hit the ring and not let up until one of us is down for three, and I could probably call Vegas about the odds and they’d be saying I’m the favourite because…well, look at you then look at me. That’s one hell of a handicap for you to overcome right there.
Your biggest handicap won’t be the obvious size difference or the fact I’m
way stronger than you, oh no, your handicap will be
because of the obvious size difference and fact that I’m way stronger than you. See, most of the roster, when I take them out it damn near cuts them in half, but someone your size runs the risk of being snapped in half like a twig – literally. Some of your opponents might go easy on you because you’ve got ovaries, but how’s that fair? Will you go easy on me because we’re one chromosome different?
[Black gives Everett a less than appreciative look for where this is going]
Everett: There’s something else I get, and it’s that you’re pissed with The Establishment. Well join the queue, because there’s a lot of people pissed with The Establishment in PWX so hearing you complain about them starts to become background noise to me, partly because they haven’t done squat to us so frankly we don’t care, but mostly…
[Everett steps aside, pointing towards Black]
Black: …mostly because it’s pretty clear to everyone that we’re not exactly the most pro-establishment guys on the roster at the best of times, so they can sit in their corner of the yard and we’ll stay in ours, and it’ll be fine for everyone involved.
[Black steps aside once again]
Everett: If you want to take a shot at Brian Hollywood, that’s your business, but when you use me as a substitute for him then we’re going to have a problem, because I don’t take kindly to people thinking I’m a good back-up plan. I’m no second-choice, you either deal with me or you walk away and deal with your problem somewhere else, and we’ll get on just fine. If not, the good times won’t be rolling for you, you can bet your ass on that.
Yeah, your problems remain in the ring with me because we had a match drawn against each other, but don’t think about some guy who won’t be at ringside who pissed you off, think about the guy standing across the ring from you whose pissed off and looking to blow off a little steam. He’s your main priority and your biggest worry, and when that’s done maybe then you can think about kicking Hollywood in his special area, but until that time comes you just need to think about getting through a match with me in one piece. That’s it.
[Everett snorts, and after a moment steps aside for Black to wrap up]
Black: See the difference here? Harmony, you’re distracted by your hatred for Brian Hollywood which, while there may be good reasons for it, you’re going up against somebody who not only has an obvious physical advantage, but his mind is focused on the task. And that’s what happens when you’re a member of the Vox, the stuff that’s irrelevant is filtered from your mind and you can see what’s important, one day it might be something as straightforward as winning a match, another it may be an obvious injustice that we’re supposed to have forgotten about, but the point is your mind is focused, clear, and ready – and that’s exactly what Daniel Everett is for this match.
After the briefest of setbacks, the Vox will continue to be heard.
[FTB]
